I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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