I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
