Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
