So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
