the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize