Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Randomize
