non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
