ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
