Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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