'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
