I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
