I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
