Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
