All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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