I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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