3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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