i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
