If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
