just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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