she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
