By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
