Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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