You smell like a Billy Joel song
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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