some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
