I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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