Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
