The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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