Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
