Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
