We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It was confusing and full of hummus
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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