I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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