The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
