Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
