so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
