it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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