her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
