I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
