Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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