Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
