i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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