I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
