I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
