I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
