if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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