How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize