just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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