I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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