Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
