I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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