Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize