There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
