Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
