Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
