How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
