i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
