just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My bed smells like the plague
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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