I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
