Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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