U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
