Jerry, you need to find god
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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