I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
