yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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