bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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