Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize