you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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