gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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