ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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