hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm jealous of your bromance
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
