I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
