So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
