Just cropdusted the office
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize