I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
