How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize